Pointless Preseason Predictions – Part 1

Well last night we found out what we pretty much knew already. That we, the Vikings would be playing the season opener against the Saints as the 2010 season schedule was announced. Oh, and James Cameron is a douche!

On the surface it looks a lot tougher than last year, especially in the middle stretch, but if we have a good draft I think we can come through and win the NFC North and worse case scenario grab a wildcard. So in the time honoured tradition of pointless NFL journalism, here is my premature speculation of what will happen to the Vikes this coming season.

Wk1 @ Saints: With T-Jack under centre and Peterson guilty of tossing Jared’s wings with butter pregame and not washing his hands, we fall 14-0 down halfway through the 2nd quarter. The only thing keeping us in the game is JA69 who is still buzzing following his handbags at 10 paces bar brawl. Favre turns up in the huddle with 5 minutes to go in the 2nd, and a smug grin on his face, meaning once again we break with 12 men. Despite his presence and dashing pair of Wranglers for every member of the crowd, we can’t get back into the game. Prediction: L ~ 17-35

Wk2 v Dolphins: First home game of the season and the dome is-a-rockin’ to the sound of Pants on the Ground. Whatever clown called Chad is QB gets flattened by Ray Edwards who mistakes him for Roger Goodell, the Williams wall tames the Wildcat, and Favre rediscovers his sweet spot with Sidney Rice. Prediction: W ~ 10-28

Wk3 v Lions: The Williams’ find out the day before that their 4 game suspension will kick in immediately, and the Vikes are guilty of some complacent moments, but nothing can stop the FAIL Whale that is the Lions. Peterson picks up his first 100+ game of the season, Harvin gets 150 yards combined and Jared makes friends with the recently detached shoulder of Matthew Stafford. Prediction: W ~ 10-38

Wk4: Bye

Wk5 @ Jets: Another tough game on the road early on, and the start of a tricky run of matchups for the Purple. LT will run all over us without the Williams’ to stop him, just to rub salt in the wounds of us failing to secure his services. Favre and Peterson will have trouble finding any rhythm against, in my opinion, one of the strongest teams in the AFC. A Harvin kick return and a couple from Longwell will keep us in the game but this one is going to be tough. Prediction: L ~ 13-20

Wk6 v Cowboys: Let the punishment begin! Pregame, Shank leaves a flaming bag of turd outside the visitors locker room, and Romo draws the short straw. Favre, whose brain has nearly shutdown after fielding another gazillion “So is Romo the new Favre?” questions the week before, throws an 85 yarder to Harvin on the first play of the game. Jared Allen and Ray Edwards then re-acquaint themselves with Romo’s ribcage and our new 1st round CB picks up the fumble for a TD. Miles Austin gets the Cowboys back into it in the 2nd, and there’s some squeaky bum time when they have 3rd and goal but Leber heroically stops the advancing Tasties Choice and they settle for 3. We shut them out in the 2nd half, and patronise them by letting Kleinsasser score and then go for the 2 point conversion but take a knee and laugh in their faces. Prediction: W ~ 10-26

Wk7 @ P*ckers: Oh deary me. The final game without the Williams wall does not go well. I just have that kinda feeling. Ryan Grant has his once-a-season blinder, and Aaron Rodgers has his finger on the pulse rather than up his arse. Peterson has another fun time dropping the football despite scoring, and Darius Reynaud, it turns out, is no Chester Taylor. A 2TD Favre gets busted in the 3rd and T-Jack is called in to rescue the game. He plays surprisingly well and helps us claw back a 10 point deficit to draw level at 28-all. But they hit a FG with 30 left on the clock and then Greg Lewis drops a peach of a pass on the 10 yard line as time runs out. Prediction: L ~ 28-31

Wk8 @ Patriots: The Dynasty continues to fall as Brady throws 2 interceptions, but somehow the Pats stay in the game as we are still recovering from losing the week before, and Favre is sidelined for the first time in his career after Deanna forgot to put his Lazarus chamber on charge (but she did remember to send ESPN pictures of Favre’s sprained wrist and slighly grazed knee compete with a Ren and Stimpy Band Aid on). Darius Reynaud shows glimmers on 3rd down but it isn’t enough to make things comfortable. Harvin meanwhile is everywhere and scores twice for a slender lead. In the second half, Sidney and Berrian play hide and seek with the Pats secondary and Longwell makes sure with a FG tacked on late in the 4th. Randy Moss inevitably scores but it’s too late and Bellichik’s attempt at an onside kick winds up in row z. Prediction: 31-24

Wk9 v Cardinals: Without Warner the Cards are there for the taking, and the home crowd is baying for blood after our last couple of losses. Favre is back and has a 4 TD game, with 2 to Sidney and one to the Nard-Dawg and big Shank.  Peterson breaks a big one, while Longwell tends to his Tamagotchi. Prediction: W ~ 13-41

So there you have it. 5-3 after the first 8 games, but it really isn’t good viewing to look at our schedule in the first half of the season. Tough matchups, and it remains unclear who is going to step up and make the big plays for the team with Favre either AWOL or a granddad. Harvin will continue his fine work, but Peterson may struggle with an unknown backing him up. Berrian and Rice will be there, but their futures are in many ways linked to Favre, this is especially the case for Rice. But fear not, I have a feeling Pt2 will be a little cheerier, and that’ll be here tomorrow.

Agree / Disagree? Comment, and let me know how you see the first half of our season going.

Wk10 @ Bores:

Wk11 v P*ckers:

Wk12 @ Redskins:

Wk13 v Bills:

Wk14 v Giants:

Wk15 v Bores:

Wk16 @ Eagles:

Wk 17 @ Lions:

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