From the Beard of Chilly

Good morning Vikings, it’s been another slow week in this Purple Nation in which we live. Thankfully for me, I’ve been able to occupy my time with some healthy doses of Red Dead Redemption and the fantastic Lost Finale. But how, I hear you ask, is Ol’ Mr Childress coping in these dark times? Well, let’s delve into the wonderful world of his Beard to find out…

8am: I’m still a 5 o’clock shadow of my former self. I’m not going to take it personally though, it is hot after all, and now the whole legion of Vikings players have taken a period of hair fasting, in honour of the mullet that was. We don’t grow, until it grows back.

9am: Brad has been sat in front of his computer for 45 minutes now, just staring at Twitter, considering whether to open an account. If I were him, I’d’ve signed up the moment that jackass opened his mouth. “Oi! Sharper! I’m stapling a bulls-eye onto your nutsack, and we ain’t gonna call Jared and Pat off you until you are whining like the little bitch you are!” I wonder if that would all fit into 140 characters…

10am: Brad didn’t sign up. He got all the way to the end of registration, even had his username as heartofachampion, then wussed out. Ended up calling McKinnie and telling him that Sharper said he was a gimptard in the hope that the gimptard takes the bait and has a handbags at 10 paces battle in cyberspace.

1pm: After a spot of lunch and a tribute to Phil Hartman, it’s time for Brad to embarrass himself on the golf course. Luckily he seems to have ditched his fisherman’s hat in exchange for an all black get-up (did I mention it was a hot one today?). He is a very strange creature.

3pm: The going is slow on the course, but it’s all for a good cause. And it’s nice to see the lads out on the course, having fun. Pat can’t quite bring his arms together to grab a putter on account of his rotund figure, All Day is racing the ball to the hole, Kleinsasser can’t hit the ball off the tee, Visanthe is living up to his nickname of The Shank, as he hooks balls left and right (though he might just be aiming at Sharper who I swear is stalking McKinnie following a healthy volley of Twitter abuse at lunchtime. Haven’t seem much of Jared, after the first hole he snapped his driver in half and now is sat up in a tree, using the two halves as make-shift spears to throw at ducks.

5.30pm: I was wondering when this good day was going to take a sour turn. Brad got all the way to the 16th green, when Judd Zulgad asked him about Brett’s surgery… “What are you talking about? Surgery? You must have him mistaken for another nearly retired Quarterback called Brett?”…. Silence…. Then I start quivering (actually it was Brad’s lip, but believe me, I was scared for my own safety), and Brad storms off.

7pm: 2 tickets. One for speeding, the other for driving whilst using a cell phone. Brad couldn’t wait to call him. Now he’s on the hard shoulder playing nicey nice with Sgt. Bob, who doesn’t realize that the bearded man staring back at him from the driving license is the same man in the driver’s seat, with a rather pathetic me below his nose.

9pm: After the “misunderstanding” Brad is back at home, and mumbling to himself… “Obviously was me? I don’t look that different do I? I thought I looked homeless back then (OUCH!)! Guess I’ll have to get a new license now, one for when I’m looking ‘rugged’ and one for when I’m looking ‘respectable’!”

10pm: Finally he realizes why he was pulled over in the first place, then gets angry, then calls Brett back. “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE SURGERY? I HAD TO FIND OUT FROM JUDD BLEEDIN’ ZULGAD! YOU DON’T HAVE THE HEART OF A CHAMPION, YOU DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME, YOU’RE JUST A MEDIA WHORE…… look Brett, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean that…. of course I do…. sorry I’m just a little annoyed at always being the last one to find out… I know you do………… I am….” Ugh!! Sometimes I’m glad that I no longer extend all the way up to his ears, this way I don’t have to listen to the drivel on the other end of the line…

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The Mullet and the Silver Fox

Good morning to you, people of the Viking Nation! We’ve had something of a heat wave in London, so the shorts and Havaianas are out and the blogging has taken a backseat to sitting in the park, and eating copious amounts of meat.

Spending a few days away from Viking town, I often return feeling like Alexander Fleming, returning to the petri dish. Sometimes there is nothing, but today there is an excitingly large amount of various moulds. The most interesting, concerns our “Will he? Won’t he? Where is he?” Quarterback, Brett Favre who, last week confirmed that he’s had surgery on his ankle.

This now of course makes him the new Iron Man and he’ll be sure to go on and take us all the way to the Super Bowl, yadda yadda yadda! Certainly the news of the operation points to his return, but with him still remaining pretty tight lipped I don’t want to be counting any chickens just yet. Maybe I’m just tired of playing ball with the Favre Media Bandwagon, maybe I am just all fake-football-news’d out, I’m not sure but from now, unless I see a 50ft billboard from Brett Favre declaring to the fans of the Vikings that “I’m Coming Back”, I’m going to try and stay as detached as possible from other news stories revolving around our maybe #4.

Another piece of mould on the petri dish, though perhaps a slightly easier one on the eyes and the temperament is the sight of our beloved #69:

Has he Lost The Source of his powers?

Yes, remove your hats, and bow your heads, the mullet is no more. Jared Allen has had a haircut, in order to look like a regular Joe in time for his wedding. I’m sure he’s going to get a lot of stick for this, all I can hope is that after his big day, he’ll get some novelty hair extensions and fake teeth and come back with some proper badass redneck stylin!

Our final culture of the day comes from something which needs it’s own ecosystem, the Williams’ trial. They’ve had an appeal lodged for them, which means they could well stave off their suspension a little longer. I don’t know what their chances are and to be honest I just wish this thing would disappear, but it isn’t the NFL are too proud and the Williams’ are too awesome!

So that’s the mould so far this week. It’s not that exciting, it won’t cure any diseases, but hopefully it will satisfy some hungers out there until the next volley of news surfaces. See y’all soon.

From the Beard of Chilly

Good morning Vikings‘ fans! It’s been a busy week and I’m looking forward to soaking up some sunshine and chilling out this weekend, but before any of that can begin, I feel compelled to bring you the next part in my offseason series from Brad Childress‘ mighty Beard!

8.00am: I think I went too far last week. I tried to call his bluff, and failed. He’s gone for the Selleck look again. So here I am, the day after, with egg on my face. And Brad? Well I think he’s already missing me. For starters, he had to face the media in the sun yesterday, and without little ol’ me to protect his face from the harmful UV rays, he was forced to wear some r-tard fisherman’s hat. Who’s having the last laugh now?

10.00am: “Now we’re Cooking”. Ugh!!! If I hear him say that one more time, what little stubble there is left of me is going to molt! Chris Cook, Chris “Effin” Cook! I get it, you like him! And I know how nice it is to be proved right, especially on your #1 draft pick, but please stop singing “Now we’re Cooking” while making your breakfast!

11.00am: Ha! That brought you down to Earth didn’t it? Sweat is poring down Brad’s face now, and without me to catch it all, he’s ruined his nice new polo shirt! Shouldn’t’a worn grey should ya?

11.30am: It’s taking him a whole 30 minutes to calm down, and I think it’s just about safe to let you know what put a bee in his bonnet… Brett, is having a Memorabilia sale in July… Brad didn’t get an invite. He’s now mumbling “I’m not paying 400 buck for a sodding helmet!

1.00pm: The sweat’s back. It could be the buffalo wings, or it could be the though of his meeting after lunch. All I know is, he wants me back!

2.30pm: Made it to the state capitol after an hour in traffic. Brad’s AC was broken in the car. He had to run into Gap to get a new shirt. His 3rd of the day.

3.00pm: He’s on number 4 now. At least this time he ruined it for a noble cause, as he and the rest of the Vikes handed over an ultimatum about a new stadium.

5.00pm: He’s on the phone with Brett, who is livid at my unceremonious removal! It had all started so well, stories from the OTA, his new hat, but when Brad moved the phone slightly on his face, Brett heard me scraping on the handset and… BOOM!

5.30pm: There are not enough shirts in the world. And Brad is now huddled in a corner of the bathroom, rocking back and forth. The future is no longer in his hands, instead, in an act of pure vengeance at my disappearance, Brett is tying his destiny to that of Southern Miss. Brad better grow me back soon or he’s going to need to start a Gap loyalty card.

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Tuesday’s Whistlestop Roundup

Good morning Purple Nation;

It’s going to be a very busy couple of weeks for me I feel and as a result I’m going to be blogging a little less, so what I’m going to try and do is cram as much as I can into the site when I do get a spare moment. For today’s brief linkfest, here are a couple of points of interest which you should take the time to checkout.

1) Mike, over at Vikings Gab has posted his interview with Erin Henderson, good to hear from a player who’s on the cusp of making it big. He sounds really driven, and focussed on doing everything he can for the team.

2) Lemke’s Lot reports that we’ve signed our 7th round pick Ryan D’Imperio-Stormtrooper. Huzzah!

3) Over at Viking Nation, read Jazzy’s (from Viking Ship) guest post on the 5 things the Vikes need to improve on for 2010.

4) And in the spirit of guest blogs, why not read my post for The Viking Ship on the Top 5 Performances last year.

5) Bleacher Report have done their NFC North Power Rankings. Find out where we are and see if we’ve retained the power of last minute disappointment…

6) Also on BR is Brad Wolff’s interview with Chilly.

And that’s it from me today. Back to the daily grind. Have a good one! SKOL!

Guest Post: Top 5 Vikings Draft Busts

G’day readers, in the interests of diversification (I’ve been watching a lot of The Office) here’s a guest post from Branden over at Lemke’s Lot, it’s a great site so do go check it out.

Lemke’s Lot Guest Post: Top 5 Vikings draft busts

Hey, let me just start out by giving a shoutout to the Vikings UK. It is a great website, and an awesome guy that runs it. Way to represent the Vikings all the way over in Europe!

Top 5 Vikings draft busts of all time:

5. Running Back Michael Bennett (2001 1st round, pick 27 overall) Michael Bennett had a good run his first couple years in the NFL, but only managed to crack 1,000+ yards one season. After that season, he was used primarily as a 3rd down back throughout the rest of his Vikings career, and since leaving the Vikings has only managed to become a 3rd string Running Back on other teams.

4. RB D.J Dozier (1987 1st round, pick 14 overall) Let’s just put it simply; He did NOTHING as a Viking. Served as a backup throughout most of his career.

3. DE Erasmus James (2005 1st round, pick 18 overall) This guy was supposed to be the next Warren Sapp, a bigtime star. All he ended up doing was keeping the bench warm and staying out of games due to injurys. He was traded to the Redskins in 2008 after his disapointing Vikings career, but has yet to see the field as a Redskin.

2. WR Troy Williamson (2005 1st round, pick 7 overall) A few months after we traded Randy Moss to Oakland, we went into the draft looking for his replacement. BHowever, if I remember correctly, Randy could catch… Funny how we replace him with a guy who couldn’t catch the EASIEST of passes. I can’t even count the times Williamson would beat his man and be WIDE OPEN, and still show off his stone hands. Glad he’s gone to another team.

1. DE Demitrius Underwood (1999 1st round, pick 29 overall) All anyone can remember this guy for is for stabbing himself in the neck and retiring after just 4 games of his pro career. What a waste of money this guy was.

So that’s my view of the Top 5 Vikings draft busts of all time, and feel free to stop by my site, Lemke’s Lot, as well!

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From the Beard of Chilly

Good morning Vikings! It’s time for my weekly insight into the world of Chilly’s Beard. Be warned there are some minor, very minor Lost spoilers in, mind you that last episode was spoilt before it made it on the air… oh damn!

10.30am: Brad got up early to go to the gym today, and is now home “filling up the tank” as he likes to put it. I don’t mind going to the gym, I just wish he didn’t get changed in front of the mirror, slyly kiss his bicep and wink at himself when no-one is looking.

11.00pm: It’s TiVo time. For the next 4 hours, Brad is going to undo all his hard work at the gym, by eating his special “trail mix” (crushed Doritos mixed with guac, salsa, humus and Chipotle Tabasco) and catching up on Lost, House, The Office and anything by Seth MacFarlane.

3pm: Ahh, fresh air, my old friend! Only you can save me from the Lost induced beard scratching marathon that Brad is now in the throes of. I must say I can’t blame him, what that funny waterfall was all about, I fear I’ll never know, and don’t get me started on the script… At least House was more coherent, though Brad can’t stop yelling out “It’s naat a tooomor” whenever the docs are all sat around their table. Eeehhhhh…

3.30pm: Brad’s in a sulk. He keeps pacing around the garden, reaching to his ear as if trying to grab his on the field headset, only it’s not there. I think he’s bored, really bored. In all fairness it has been a very slow week, but come on man, you’re Brad F’in-Childress, the world is your oyster!

4.00pm: He’s in a bigger sulk now. Apparently he didn’t like the oyster comment. Why? Because oysters produce pearls and pearls are round and shiny. So what am I trying to tell him? To polish his bonce apparently! And now he’s crying about it to Brett.

5.45pm: An hour and a half! 90 whole minutes of sobs, and incoherent blubberings down the phone, but at least he’s finally over it. Suppose I have Brett to thank for that. I thought it was all over when Brad said he was going to bring the tache back and be gone with me, but the mere mention of Tom Selleck snapped him out of it.

6.15pm: I guess I spoke too soon. Brad’s cranky once again. Yeah, we’re all patched up but he’s now jealous of Brett. “Why does he get all the attention? I call the plays *ahem*, I choose the team *ahem*, what’s he got that I don’t?”… “Me?” I said.

7.00pm: Early bedtime, probably for the best. Not like anything is going to be happening any time soon. Just hope this cabin fever wears off soon.

How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat yurrr meat?

Good morning Nation, there’s another dust cloud looming on the horizon, threatening to shut down society as we know it, but that’s not nearly as concerning as the rather torrid week the Vikes have had, unless you’re on holiday, but I’m not…

The main issue is the impending suspension of The Wall. I already spoke about this last week but Viking Nation dug up that interesting story from PFT which suggests we could be without both of our starters for 8 games, as the suspensions could be staggered. I’m not sure how much meat there is to this claim by PFT, but if it is the case then it is worrying.

Then again, the Nation’s other link potentially opens the door for Albert “Complete waste of money” Haynesworth to don Purple and come play for us next season. Now I say waste of money because he went to Washington to be paid to keep Zorn’s car seat warm, but like GB Nordic, I do think he would do a lot better as a Viking, and we need someone to fill the enormous void that Pat will leave when he retires. But I also think that we should be careful in this uncapped season, because we shouldn’t live beyond our means, and risk putting ourselves in a difficult position when the salary cap returns.

The potential, but in my opinion, improbable arrival of Haynesworth is not something we need however according to Andy Rarick at Bleacher Report. Taking a look at the Vikings’ depth chart unearths some promising players like Fred Evans and Jimmy Kennedy who could step up, and gain valuable experience, and we also have Everson Griffen to keep them on their toes. Add to that the constant threat of the Mullet, and a mildly disgruntled Ray Edwards who will no doubt be looking to have a good season to improve any future contact offer, and we may lose a bit of our reputation but our bite should be just as strong.

That’s all from me today, for some reason WordPress is having a superfuntime reformatting my paragraphs so I hope this post comes out okay. Back later in the week with more Purple News. Skol!

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