The mouth of the horse is here! And by horse, I mean Siver Fox. And by here, I mean in my mind. Yes, in honour of recent news stories which may or may not have been based on nothing but here say, I’ve decided to unleash my previously unreleased/unimagined interview with the one and only Brett Favre.
Me: Sooo, Brett, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal. How’s your summer been?
Brett: Yeah, it’s been okay. I’m a grandpappy now so I’ve been spending some time with the kid, trying to impart some of my wisdom. Lil Parker Brett is a future hall of famer, mark my words on that one. Last week he even drew out an I-38-Sweep play in spaghetti hoops, but I intercepted his meatball before it reached the end zone, ha ha ha.
Me: So has Parker told you he wants to follow in your footsteps?
Brett: Not yet, I’m still waiting to hear on that. Parker keeps making noises which I think sound like “I’ll let you know in my own sweet time.” But I’ve bought all the gear just in case, and should have hung up my boots by the time the 2028 draft comes along, so I’ll be waiting at Radio City Music Hall just in case he decides to show up.
Me: And what about you? Any news on this coming season?
Brett: Oh yeah, I’ll be back unless my foot falls off… aaarrrrrgggghhhh!
Me: You okay there Brett?
Brett: Yeah I’m fine. I mean my foot just fell off, but I’m alright.
Me: So you probably won’t be playing next season then will you?
Brett: Did I say that? Well never say never, that’s what I always say. Nah I’ll probably still be back. Just need to get this thing re-attached. Say, can you hold on a sec while I send a text?
Me: Sure. Do you mind me asking who it’s to?
Brett: Yeah, it’s the guy who paints the fences at Winter Park. He was just asking if I knew any good jokes. Right all done. Next question…
Me: So do you ever get tired of people asking you about your retirement?
Brett: What retirement? Who said anything about retirement?
Me: You know, what with your foot falling off, and the story which just broke about you texting people at the Vikes that you are going to retire?
Brett: Oh that! Yeah, I’ve decided that I should call time on everything. It’s been a great year, but I’m getting on a bit now and just want to sit back and enjoy life.
Me: And how do you think the Vikings and their fans are going to react to this news?
Brett: What news?
Me: You retiring?
Brett: I’m not retiring.
Me: Oh, but I thought you just said…
Brett: I didn’t say anything. That was Shank. Next question.
Me: Ooookay. So what are you looking forward to next season?
Brett: Beating the Saint. Beating the P*ckers. Rubbing Chilly’s beard for good luck. Slapping Jared. Singing to Percy before he goes to bed. And then, once I’ve lifted the Vince Lombardi Trophy, prank called Aaron Rodgers, and put a potato in Tahi’s tailpipe, I think I’m going to call it a day.
Me: I didn’t realise you called the scum, P*ckers too?
Brett: Everyone calls them the P*ckers.
So there you have it, and by it, I mean nothing, apart from some cheap laughs perhaps.
* The above interview, is entirely fictitious. Any similarities with real people or events are purely coincidental, and a result of cunning satire.