From the Beard of Chilly

Good morning Vikings, it’s been another slow week in this Purple Nation in which we live. Thankfully for me, I’ve been able to occupy my time with some healthy doses of Red Dead Redemption and the fantastic Lost Finale. But how, I hear you ask, is Ol’ Mr Childress coping in these dark times? Well, let’s delve into the wonderful world of his Beard to find out…

8am: I’m still a 5 o’clock shadow of my former self. I’m not going to take it personally though, it is hot after all, and now the whole legion of Vikings players have taken a period of hair fasting, in honour of the mullet that was. We don’t grow, until it grows back.

9am: Brad has been sat in front of his computer for 45 minutes now, just staring at Twitter, considering whether to open an account. If I were him, I’d’ve signed up the moment that jackass opened his mouth. “Oi! Sharper! I’m stapling a bulls-eye onto your nutsack, and we ain’t gonna call Jared and Pat off you until you are whining like the little bitch you are!” I wonder if that would all fit into 140 characters…

10am: Brad didn’t sign up. He got all the way to the end of registration, even had his username as heartofachampion, then wussed out. Ended up calling McKinnie and telling him that Sharper said he was a gimptard in the hope that the gimptard takes the bait and has a handbags at 10 paces battle in cyberspace.

1pm: After a spot of lunch and a tribute to Phil Hartman, it’s time for Brad to embarrass himself on the golf course. Luckily he seems to have ditched his fisherman’s hat in exchange for an all black get-up (did I mention it was a hot one today?). He is a very strange creature.

3pm: The going is slow on the course, but it’s all for a good cause. And it’s nice to see the lads out on the course, having fun. Pat can’t quite bring his arms together to grab a putter on account of his rotund figure, All Day is racing the ball to the hole, Kleinsasser can’t hit the ball off the tee, Visanthe is living up to his nickname of The Shank, as he hooks balls left and right (though he might just be aiming at Sharper who I swear is stalking McKinnie following a healthy volley of Twitter abuse at lunchtime. Haven’t seem much of Jared, after the first hole he snapped his driver in half and now is sat up in a tree, using the two halves as make-shift spears to throw at ducks.

5.30pm: I was wondering when this good day was going to take a sour turn. Brad got all the way to the 16th green, when Judd Zulgad asked him about Brett’s surgery… “What are you talking about? Surgery? You must have him mistaken for another nearly retired Quarterback called Brett?”…. Silence…. Then I start quivering (actually it was Brad’s lip, but believe me, I was scared for my own safety), and Brad storms off.

7pm: 2 tickets. One for speeding, the other for driving whilst using a cell phone. Brad couldn’t wait to call him. Now he’s on the hard shoulder playing nicey nice with Sgt. Bob, who doesn’t realize that the bearded man staring back at him from the driving license is the same man in the driver’s seat, with a rather pathetic me below his nose.

9pm: After the “misunderstanding” Brad is back at home, and mumbling to himself… “Obviously was me? I don’t look that different do I? I thought I looked homeless back then (OUCH!)! Guess I’ll have to get a new license now, one for when I’m looking ‘rugged’ and one for when I’m looking ‘respectable’!”

10pm: Finally he realizes why he was pulled over in the first place, then gets angry, then calls Brett back. “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE SURGERY? I HAD TO FIND OUT FROM JUDD BLEEDIN’ ZULGAD! YOU DON’T HAVE THE HEART OF A CHAMPION, YOU DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME, YOU’RE JUST A MEDIA WHORE…… look Brett, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean that…. of course I do…. sorry I’m just a little annoyed at always being the last one to find out… I know you do………… I am….” Ugh!! Sometimes I’m glad that I no longer extend all the way up to his ears, this way I don’t have to listen to the drivel on the other end of the line…

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From the Beard of Chilly

Good morning Vikings‘ fans! It’s been a busy week and I’m looking forward to soaking up some sunshine and chilling out this weekend, but before any of that can begin, I feel compelled to bring you the next part in my offseason series from Brad Childress‘ mighty Beard!

8.00am: I think I went too far last week. I tried to call his bluff, and failed. He’s gone for the Selleck look again. So here I am, the day after, with egg on my face. And Brad? Well I think he’s already missing me. For starters, he had to face the media in the sun yesterday, and without little ol’ me to protect his face from the harmful UV rays, he was forced to wear some r-tard fisherman’s hat. Who’s having the last laugh now?

10.00am: “Now we’re Cooking”. Ugh!!! If I hear him say that one more time, what little stubble there is left of me is going to molt! Chris Cook, Chris “Effin” Cook! I get it, you like him! And I know how nice it is to be proved right, especially on your #1 draft pick, but please stop singing “Now we’re Cooking” while making your breakfast!

11.00am: Ha! That brought you down to Earth didn’t it? Sweat is poring down Brad’s face now, and without me to catch it all, he’s ruined his nice new polo shirt! Shouldn’t’a worn grey should ya?

11.30am: It’s taking him a whole 30 minutes to calm down, and I think it’s just about safe to let you know what put a bee in his bonnet… Brett, is having a Memorabilia sale in July… Brad didn’t get an invite. He’s now mumbling “I’m not paying 400 buck for a sodding helmet!

1.00pm: The sweat’s back. It could be the buffalo wings, or it could be the though of his meeting after lunch. All I know is, he wants me back!

2.30pm: Made it to the state capitol after an hour in traffic. Brad’s AC was broken in the car. He had to run into Gap to get a new shirt. His 3rd of the day.

3.00pm: He’s on number 4 now. At least this time he ruined it for a noble cause, as he and the rest of the Vikes handed over an ultimatum about a new stadium.

5.00pm: He’s on the phone with Brett, who is livid at my unceremonious removal! It had all started so well, stories from the OTA, his new hat, but when Brad moved the phone slightly on his face, Brett heard me scraping on the handset and… BOOM!

5.30pm: There are not enough shirts in the world. And Brad is now huddled in a corner of the bathroom, rocking back and forth. The future is no longer in his hands, instead, in an act of pure vengeance at my disappearance, Brett is tying his destiny to that of Southern Miss. Brad better grow me back soon or he’s going to need to start a Gap loyalty card.

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From the Beard of Chilly

Good morning Vikings! It’s time for my weekly insight into the world of Chilly’s Beard. Be warned there are some minor, very minor Lost spoilers in, mind you that last episode was spoilt before it made it on the air… oh damn!

10.30am: Brad got up early to go to the gym today, and is now home “filling up the tank” as he likes to put it. I don’t mind going to the gym, I just wish he didn’t get changed in front of the mirror, slyly kiss his bicep and wink at himself when no-one is looking.

11.00pm: It’s TiVo time. For the next 4 hours, Brad is going to undo all his hard work at the gym, by eating his special “trail mix” (crushed Doritos mixed with guac, salsa, humus and Chipotle Tabasco) and catching up on Lost, House, The Office and anything by Seth MacFarlane.

3pm: Ahh, fresh air, my old friend! Only you can save me from the Lost induced beard scratching marathon that Brad is now in the throes of. I must say I can’t blame him, what that funny waterfall was all about, I fear I’ll never know, and don’t get me started on the script… At least House was more coherent, though Brad can’t stop yelling out “It’s naat a tooomor” whenever the docs are all sat around their table. Eeehhhhh…

3.30pm: Brad’s in a sulk. He keeps pacing around the garden, reaching to his ear as if trying to grab his on the field headset, only it’s not there. I think he’s bored, really bored. In all fairness it has been a very slow week, but come on man, you’re Brad F’in-Childress, the world is your oyster!

4.00pm: He’s in a bigger sulk now. Apparently he didn’t like the oyster comment. Why? Because oysters produce pearls and pearls are round and shiny. So what am I trying to tell him? To polish his bonce apparently! And now he’s crying about it to Brett.

5.45pm: An hour and a half! 90 whole minutes of sobs, and incoherent blubberings down the phone, but at least he’s finally over it. Suppose I have Brett to thank for that. I thought it was all over when Brad said he was going to bring the tache back and be gone with me, but the mere mention of Tom Selleck snapped him out of it.

6.15pm: I guess I spoke too soon. Brad’s cranky once again. Yeah, we’re all patched up but he’s now jealous of Brett. “Why does he get all the attention? I call the plays *ahem*, I choose the team *ahem*, what’s he got that I don’t?”… “Me?” I said.

7.00pm: Early bedtime, probably for the best. Not like anything is going to be happening any time soon. Just hope this cabin fever wears off soon.

From the Beard of Chilly

We’ve got a hung Parliament in Blighty! Huzzah, life is good! And that slimeball-toff-w*nker David Cameron is going to have to do some serious dealing if he’s going to become PM. But all in all, election night has been pretty disappointing. Nick Clegg, leader of the Lib Dems has had to endure some disappointing results, and is left to marvel at our electoral system that sees someone who gets around 23% of the vote only take about 10% of seats in the House of Parliament. Whilst Gordon Brown is hanging in there, but only just. I’m hoping for a Labour coalition government because the Tories are scumbags who are going to line the pockets of the aristocracy, but I’m gutted the lib dems didn’t get more seats…

But enough of Politics, its time for our weekly visit to the mind of one of football’s greatest figures. I’m talking of course of Chilly’s Beard.

3.30am – Brad can’t sleep, so I can’t sleep. Every time I drop off the bugger grunts something about a “good football team” or “how do you like these Wranglers?” STFU!

8.25am – So first he keeps me awake, then he oversleeps. Useless Brett Favre Bobblehead Alarm clock apparently decided to wake him up when it’s ready, despite being told numerous times to sound off nice and early.

10.03am – Late to court, Judge is not best pleased. Not looking good for my unrelated brothers from 2 different mothers.

12.00pm – This is why I hate court. Brad get’s restless, so he chews on his pen. Then he grabs that soggy pen with his stubby fingers, twirls it around, and then rubs those stubby, soggy fingers through me. After nearly 2 hours of this, I’m starting to smell like an Alice Cooper fan after a night of Jager-bombs. And then to cap it all off, the court rules against my boys! If only the Bobblehead had gone off an hour earlier, I could have arrived and intimidated the judge with my magnificent bushyness.

12.45pm – Pat’s been crying, and Kevin is nursing a hoagie the size of… well let’s not get into that now. I think Pat’s worried about losing his place to BigMac. Personally I’d love to throw that mug into the trenches, teach him a lesson about what happens when you piss of Roger Goodell. As for Kevin, well, while he’s engrossed in his bread-bundled, meaty-magic, I’m wondering if Loady can manage the load if we subbed him in. Like Maccy, he’s a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic, but he’s big, and scary, and big, maybe it’ll toughen him up a bit.

2pm – Some would call it lunch, I call it the frenetic shovelling of pot pie into hole in face. I think he’s stressed. Can’t blame him. He just got a call from Gov Pawlenty. Back-stabbing SOB.

3.30pm – My “ears” are burning. Brad decided to invite Rick, Jared and Tahi to go “intimidate” Pawlenty who decided he didn’t like the stadium bill despite crowing on about it a couple of months ago. Basically Brad just kept yelling “Heart of a Champion” whilst Rick tried to sign Pawlenty as our new DT, and Jared kept asking Tahi why he’s still there. Then Rick got bored and started playing Risk on his iPhone, and Jared said he’d treat Tahi to chicken wings after Tahi started sulking. On their way out the door I swear I heard Jared mutter; “I’ll show you what a dozen is”. This left Brad, red faced and feeling rather foolish. Think they’re going to try and work something out.

5.35pm – After a few awkward man-hugs, Brad left Pawlenty’s place with a revised bill. Whiskers crossed.

8pm – Brett called. Brad was a bit grumpy because Brett usually calls at 7, but he said he was busy laughing at JaMarcus Russell. “Funny you should mention that…” Brad said, “… he’s our Plan B if you don’t show.” It’s going to be a long summer.