Exclusive Interview* With Brett Favre

The mouth of the horse is here! And by horse, I mean Siver Fox. And by here, I mean in my mind. Yes, in honour of recent news stories which may or may not have been based on nothing but here say, I’ve decided to unleash my previously unreleased/unimagined interview with the one and only Brett Favre.

Me: Sooo, Brett, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal. How’s your summer been?

Brett: Yeah, it’s been okay. I’m a grandpappy now so I’ve been spending some time with the kid, trying to impart some of my wisdom. Lil Parker Brett is a future hall of famer, mark my words on that one. Last week he even drew out an I-38-Sweep play in spaghetti hoops, but I intercepted his meatball before it reached the end zone, ha ha ha.

Me: So has Parker told you he wants to follow in your footsteps?

Brett: Not yet, I’m still waiting to hear on that. Parker keeps making noises which I think sound like “I’ll let you know in my own sweet time.” But I’ve bought all the gear just in case, and should have hung up my boots by the time the 2028 draft comes along, so I’ll be waiting at Radio City Music Hall just in case he decides to show up.

Me: And what about you? Any news on this coming season?

Brett: Oh yeah, I’ll be back unless my foot falls off… aaarrrrrgggghhhh!

Me: You okay there Brett?

Brett: Yeah I’m fine. I mean my foot just fell off, but I’m alright.

Me: So you probably won’t be playing next season then will you?

Brett: Did I say that? Well never say never, that’s what I always say. Nah I’ll probably still be back. Just need to get this thing re-attached. Say, can you hold on a sec while I send a text?

Me: Sure. Do you mind me asking who it’s to?

Brett: Yeah, it’s the guy who paints the fences at Winter Park. He was just asking if I knew any good jokes. Right all done. Next question…

Me: So do you ever get tired of people asking you about your retirement?

Brett: What retirement? Who said anything about retirement?

Me: You know, what with your foot falling off, and the story which just broke about you texting people at the Vikes that you are going to retire?

Brett: Oh that! Yeah, I’ve decided that I should call time on everything. It’s been a great year, but I’m getting on a bit now and just want to sit back and enjoy life.

Me: And how do you think the Vikings and their fans are going to react to this news?

Brett: What news?

Me: You retiring?

Brett: I’m not retiring.

Me: Oh, but I thought you just said…

Brett: I didn’t say anything. That was Shank. Next question.

Me: Ooookay. So what are you looking forward to next season?

Brett: Beating the Saint. Beating the P*ckers. Rubbing Chilly’s beard for good luck. Slapping Jared. Singing to Percy before he goes to bed. And then, once I’ve lifted the Vince Lombardi Trophy, prank called Aaron Rodgers, and put a potato in Tahi’s tailpipe, I think I’m going to call it a day.

Me: I didn’t realise you called the scum, P*ckers too?

Brett: Everyone calls them the P*ckers.

So there you have it, and by it, I mean nothing, apart from some cheap laughs perhaps.

* The above interview, is entirely fictitious. Any similarities with real people or events are purely coincidental, and a result of cunning satire.

From the Beard of Chilly

We’ve got a hung Parliament in Blighty! Huzzah, life is good! And that slimeball-toff-w*nker David Cameron is going to have to do some serious dealing if he’s going to become PM. But all in all, election night has been pretty disappointing. Nick Clegg, leader of the Lib Dems has had to endure some disappointing results, and is left to marvel at our electoral system that sees someone who gets around 23% of the vote only take about 10% of seats in the House of Parliament. Whilst Gordon Brown is hanging in there, but only just. I’m hoping for a Labour coalition government because the Tories are scumbags who are going to line the pockets of the aristocracy, but I’m gutted the lib dems didn’t get more seats…

But enough of Politics, its time for our weekly visit to the mind of one of football’s greatest figures. I’m talking of course of Chilly’s Beard.

3.30am – Brad can’t sleep, so I can’t sleep. Every time I drop off the bugger grunts something about a “good football team” or “how do you like these Wranglers?” STFU!

8.25am – So first he keeps me awake, then he oversleeps. Useless Brett Favre Bobblehead Alarm clock apparently decided to wake him up when it’s ready, despite being told numerous times to sound off nice and early.

10.03am – Late to court, Judge is not best pleased. Not looking good for my unrelated brothers from 2 different mothers.

12.00pm – This is why I hate court. Brad get’s restless, so he chews on his pen. Then he grabs that soggy pen with his stubby fingers, twirls it around, and then rubs those stubby, soggy fingers through me. After nearly 2 hours of this, I’m starting to smell like an Alice Cooper fan after a night of Jager-bombs. And then to cap it all off, the court rules against my boys! If only the Bobblehead had gone off an hour earlier, I could have arrived and intimidated the judge with my magnificent bushyness.

12.45pm – Pat’s been crying, and Kevin is nursing a hoagie the size of… well let’s not get into that now. I think Pat’s worried about losing his place to BigMac. Personally I’d love to throw that mug into the trenches, teach him a lesson about what happens when you piss of Roger Goodell. As for Kevin, well, while he’s engrossed in his bread-bundled, meaty-magic, I’m wondering if Loady can manage the load if we subbed him in. Like Maccy, he’s a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic, but he’s big, and scary, and big, maybe it’ll toughen him up a bit.

2pm – Some would call it lunch, I call it the frenetic shovelling of pot pie into hole in face. I think he’s stressed. Can’t blame him. He just got a call from Gov Pawlenty. Back-stabbing SOB.

3.30pm – My “ears” are burning. Brad decided to invite Rick, Jared and Tahi to go “intimidate” Pawlenty who decided he didn’t like the stadium bill despite crowing on about it a couple of months ago. Basically Brad just kept yelling “Heart of a Champion” whilst Rick tried to sign Pawlenty as our new DT, and Jared kept asking Tahi why he’s still there. Then Rick got bored and started playing Risk on his iPhone, and Jared said he’d treat Tahi to chicken wings after Tahi started sulking. On their way out the door I swear I heard Jared mutter; “I’ll show you what a dozen is”. This left Brad, red faced and feeling rather foolish. Think they’re going to try and work something out.

5.35pm – After a few awkward man-hugs, Brad left Pawlenty’s place with a revised bill. Whiskers crossed.

8pm – Brett called. Brad was a bit grumpy because Brett usually calls at 7, but he said he was busy laughing at JaMarcus Russell. “Funny you should mention that…” Brad said, “… he’s our Plan B if you don’t show.” It’s going to be a long summer.

Pointless Preseason Predictions – Part 1

Well last night we found out what we pretty much knew already. That we, the Vikings would be playing the season opener against the Saints as the 2010 season schedule was announced. Oh, and James Cameron is a douche!

On the surface it looks a lot tougher than last year, especially in the middle stretch, but if we have a good draft I think we can come through and win the NFC North and worse case scenario grab a wildcard. So in the time honoured tradition of pointless NFL journalism, here is my premature speculation of what will happen to the Vikes this coming season.

Wk1 @ Saints: With T-Jack under centre and Peterson guilty of tossing Jared’s wings with butter pregame and not washing his hands, we fall 14-0 down halfway through the 2nd quarter. The only thing keeping us in the game is JA69 who is still buzzing following his handbags at 10 paces bar brawl. Favre turns up in the huddle with 5 minutes to go in the 2nd, and a smug grin on his face, meaning once again we break with 12 men. Despite his presence and dashing pair of Wranglers for every member of the crowd, we can’t get back into the game. Prediction: L ~ 17-35

Wk2 v Dolphins: First home game of the season and the dome is-a-rockin’ to the sound of Pants on the Ground. Whatever clown called Chad is QB gets flattened by Ray Edwards who mistakes him for Roger Goodell, the Williams wall tames the Wildcat, and Favre rediscovers his sweet spot with Sidney Rice. Prediction: W ~ 10-28

Wk3 v Lions: The Williams’ find out the day before that their 4 game suspension will kick in immediately, and the Vikes are guilty of some complacent moments, but nothing can stop the FAIL Whale that is the Lions. Peterson picks up his first 100+ game of the season, Harvin gets 150 yards combined and Jared makes friends with the recently detached shoulder of Matthew Stafford. Prediction: W ~ 10-38

Wk4: Bye

Wk5 @ Jets: Another tough game on the road early on, and the start of a tricky run of matchups for the Purple. LT will run all over us without the Williams’ to stop him, just to rub salt in the wounds of us failing to secure his services. Favre and Peterson will have trouble finding any rhythm against, in my opinion, one of the strongest teams in the AFC. A Harvin kick return and a couple from Longwell will keep us in the game but this one is going to be tough. Prediction: L ~ 13-20

Wk6 v Cowboys: Let the punishment begin! Pregame, Shank leaves a flaming bag of turd outside the visitors locker room, and Romo draws the short straw. Favre, whose brain has nearly shutdown after fielding another gazillion “So is Romo the new Favre?” questions the week before, throws an 85 yarder to Harvin on the first play of the game. Jared Allen and Ray Edwards then re-acquaint themselves with Romo’s ribcage and our new 1st round CB picks up the fumble for a TD. Miles Austin gets the Cowboys back into it in the 2nd, and there’s some squeaky bum time when they have 3rd and goal but Leber heroically stops the advancing Tasties Choice and they settle for 3. We shut them out in the 2nd half, and patronise them by letting Kleinsasser score and then go for the 2 point conversion but take a knee and laugh in their faces. Prediction: W ~ 10-26

Wk7 @ P*ckers: Oh deary me. The final game without the Williams wall does not go well. I just have that kinda feeling. Ryan Grant has his once-a-season blinder, and Aaron Rodgers has his finger on the pulse rather than up his arse. Peterson has another fun time dropping the football despite scoring, and Darius Reynaud, it turns out, is no Chester Taylor. A 2TD Favre gets busted in the 3rd and T-Jack is called in to rescue the game. He plays surprisingly well and helps us claw back a 10 point deficit to draw level at 28-all. But they hit a FG with 30 left on the clock and then Greg Lewis drops a peach of a pass on the 10 yard line as time runs out. Prediction: L ~ 28-31

Wk8 @ Patriots: The Dynasty continues to fall as Brady throws 2 interceptions, but somehow the Pats stay in the game as we are still recovering from losing the week before, and Favre is sidelined for the first time in his career after Deanna forgot to put his Lazarus chamber on charge (but she did remember to send ESPN pictures of Favre’s sprained wrist and slighly grazed knee compete with a Ren and Stimpy Band Aid on). Darius Reynaud shows glimmers on 3rd down but it isn’t enough to make things comfortable. Harvin meanwhile is everywhere and scores twice for a slender lead. In the second half, Sidney and Berrian play hide and seek with the Pats secondary and Longwell makes sure with a FG tacked on late in the 4th. Randy Moss inevitably scores but it’s too late and Bellichik’s attempt at an onside kick winds up in row z. Prediction: 31-24

Wk9 v Cardinals: Without Warner the Cards are there for the taking, and the home crowd is baying for blood after our last couple of losses. Favre is back and has a 4 TD game, with 2 to Sidney and one to the Nard-Dawg and big Shank.  Peterson breaks a big one, while Longwell tends to his Tamagotchi. Prediction: W ~ 13-41

So there you have it. 5-3 after the first 8 games, but it really isn’t good viewing to look at our schedule in the first half of the season. Tough matchups, and it remains unclear who is going to step up and make the big plays for the team with Favre either AWOL or a granddad. Harvin will continue his fine work, but Peterson may struggle with an unknown backing him up. Berrian and Rice will be there, but their futures are in many ways linked to Favre, this is especially the case for Rice. But fear not, I have a feeling Pt2 will be a little cheerier, and that’ll be here tomorrow.

Agree / Disagree? Comment, and let me know how you see the first half of our season going.

Wk10 @ Bores:

Wk11 v P*ckers:

Wk12 @ Redskins:

Wk13 v Bills:

Wk14 v Giants:

Wk15 v Bores:

Wk16 @ Eagles:

Wk 17 @ Lions:

Mocking the Mock and Montying Monty?!?

Just what is the point of Mock Drafts? Every time I read one I end up asking myself the same question. And after reading this one I just want to hit someone, probably JP Frederick with a big “Duh!” sign. The thing is that if you are the top team, pretty much everyone knows who you are going to pick, you pick the best player, whether it’s an unpronouncable DT or a possible franchise QB you take the best player in the position you need.  But beyond about the top 5 things get cloudy as teams begin to chop and change based on their opinions of certain players and weighing that up against what they need. This always happens, so why in bloody hell do analysts bother wasting their time predicting it and writing pointless articles pointing out what fans already know?

In the article I linked to it says that if Oklahoma QB Sam Bradford, a potential superstar, was still unpicked we’d grab him in place of tightening up the defence. Well of course we’ll grab someone that good if they are still available! But that’s like asking, if someone offered you free money would you take it? Trouble is that it ain’t gonna happen! And the mock draft offered up in the article is just a waste of space, as are pretty much all of them out there which either consist of a standard list, or a cookie cutter explanation of the choice, for example:

Rnd 1 – #30 – Vikings pick: Jeff Crapinthehead, CB from Dingletown. I like Jeff, he’s big, he’s got nice hair, he listens to Justin Beiber and his mom said to my sister’s friend’s dog that he really wanted to go to play basketball for the Wizards but the Vikings need a 6’7″ tall bloke to jump up and down and wave his hands cos Winfield’s leg fell off after McKinnie took him for a night out with some diseased transvestite donkey witch (SJP). But he might be picked higher up by the Raiders who might pick this other guy who looks like John Travolta.

If I really had some spare time on my hands, I’d get the list of all 7bn players in the draft this year, and put Ndkkkkaamaamamaoo, McCoy and Bradford at the top and then pick the rest out of a hat, and I’d probably get the same amount right as most mocks out there because you just can’t predict them. Look at Percy Harvin, I saw pages out there last year that had him going to the 49ers, and Colts, that’s #7 and #28! Yeah there were some other places who got it right, and fair play but I think time is much better spent analysing the needs of a team and coming out with a nice healthy list rather than making a mock for the whole bloody league.

Phew! Sorry if that didn’t make any sense whatsoever, I just needed to let off some steam. I also am going to try to concentrate on only reading draft talk from Viking sites rather than NFL-wide places to try and get a better idea of who is available to suit our needs. I know mocks can be entertaining, but I just don’t see the point, especially when they are openly pointless, playing about with the most unlikely situations in which a team is able to pick the second-second coming (the first is All-Day).

On the side of real news, we’ve signed that Montgomery chap. He’ll be there to back up Ray Edwards but as the Gab points out, he’s one of 4 defensive ends who’s 2010 will also be a contract year, should make things interesting at least.

We’re also looking at veteran corner, Tye Hill, who is due to make his mind up about either the Vikes or the Titans today. More experience in defence should be a good thing, I wonder if it also means we are going to be less active on defence in the draft now though… maybe I should make a mock draft to reflect this.

I’ll end today with a brief ode to FAVRE WATCH which has been a little quiet of late, and today is no exception. My link today is from an article on Vikings Update, in particular point 2. Ed Thompson things the Vikes and Favre should end their silly charade, man up, admit Farve is coming back, and just say that he isn’t going to be attending the opening training camps because they are about as useful as a football to the groin, “rather than hide behind what appears to be a poorly conceived charade that opens up integrity questions for everyone involved.” Hmmmmmm….. very interesting point. I think a lot of us out there would be very happy/relieved if you are right on this one.

Play it safe, and mind the beard!

Good morning to you all Purple People of the world! As the jet lag kicks in full-time to add misery to my Korean revision for an exam this weekend, I’m having trouble stringing sentences together in English let alone Hangul, but on I must plough despite the fact that the field that is Vikings news is as barren as Brad Childress’ cheeks.

As expected there is still plenty to discuss around the Draft, with the Vikings’ Official Blog running with one of the most talked about position from fans, that of Safety. Many of the Purple faithful rightfully feel that despite our heavy investment in this area of the team, it is still not quite up to the standard it should be. Last year we were very vulnerable to 20+ yard plays (8th worst in the league), and despite earning some praise from the coaches, safeties Madieu Williams and Tyrell Johnson are not in the eyes of many the right people for the job. Having witnessed throughout last season, our leaky secondary, I must agree that someone is needed who can really challenge the starters, but I’m also really hoping that the players we already have can do this, particularly Jamarca Sanford as there are other areas of the secondary which need more attention than Safety. Another opinion on this position comes from Strib, and my favourite troll, Judd Zulgad who says the current starting pair need to simply be more aggressive in their approach.

This is a point of view shared by Bleacher Report’s Michael Vichael who feels that CB is probably one of the most important areas that we need to improve along with Centre/Guard. His argument is that the Hutchmeister isn’t getting any younger and has shown a couple of weaknesses of late, and John Sullivan, whilst gallant in his efforts is is desperate need of competition in order to keep him on top his game. Add to that, the problems at Tackle, and he is very right to suggest we need someone else in there. In keeping with most of the mock drafts, CB is still the top pick as that is probably where we are going to get the best quality at 30th overall, but I’m with Vichael in his view that C or G need improving at some point in the Draft.

The recently renovated Viking Age blog takes a look at some recent comments by Brad Childress about both Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb and reading between the lines, it seems clear that we are thankfully not interested in either player, despite whatever guff may be vomiting out of the media machines. The most interesting point for me is whether we’d call D-Mac if Favre announced his retirement today… and to celebrate this I’m going to run a cheeky little poll to see what you lot would want us to do so check my sidebar if I can figure out how to embed a poll in there.

And that’s about it for today. I’m off to drink copious amounts of tea and enjoy the remainder of my walking dead state of exhaustion.

Fighting the Jet lag – Thursday Roundup; New OT, Plan B and More Mockies

Despite sleeping a good 4-5 hours on the flight home and having a very pleasant 10 hours kip last night, the wonder of jet lag is preventing me from focussing on my screen properly. The Monster M-80 I’m nursing doesn’t seem to be helping either, so I’m fully expecting to fall asleep on my keyboard at some point today, which is why I’m going to try and bash out a quick post while I’m still conscious.

I suppose that most of the chatter for us Vikings at the moment is the new overtime rules which were voted in at the NFL Owners meeting. I’ll let the Daily Norseman explain it because when I try to process it in my head I feel like Karl Pilkington. It’s much fairer in my opinion, both teams should get a chance unless a TD is scored in the first possession, I’m not sure that it’s perfect, but it’s better. Of course though, it is a year too latel; just imagine if we’d got the ball back after Hartley’s field goal, and then a peg-legged Favre threw for the game winning interception again… yeah I know the overtime change is long overdue but what’s the point harping on about this, we all know that somehow, someway the Vikings would have found another way to break our hearts, but that’s why we love them!

Now that I can’t focus on the keyboard, I’ll move on to why in bloody hell we voted against the change to the OT rule. To be honest I don’t know, Zygi was happy with the way the rule was, despite the fact that it contributed to our downfall last year. I must say that stubbornness like this pisses me off especially when it comes to being reluctant to change archaic rules which are favour chance rather than competition. Still he was one of only 4 who were against it so it passed. Chilly’s also grumpy because he was on the golf course, silly bearded git!

Moving on though, because any more of that is likely to induce narcolepsy in anyone, let alone someone who should really be in bed, in California, rather than gloomy London, and we got a compensatory draft pick. Okay, that didn’t help my cause…. Okay let’s try another opinion on Tim Tebow….  *starting to nod off*… How about Judd Zulgad pulling a Wayne’s World by broadcasting from his basement hideout in Florida to talk about the owners meeting and an “update” on Favre (oh sweet mercy 5 pound 3 ounce baby Jesus give me strength) …

Something that i found more interesting is the proposal that the tail-end games of the season include more divisional matchups. I for one am happy with this idea, don’t get me wrong, I love spanking the Giants every year to finish off the season, but it’s getting a bit old and this would certainly make the end of the season more exciting. Just imagine going into Week 17 needing to beat the P*ckers at Lambeau to get into the playoffs on the final day of the season, and the looks on their faces when we do!

Okay, now I’m really tempting fate with my state of consciousness, but there’s another Mock Draft on Bleacher report, but at least it’s in the form of a slide show… and there’s someone called Scott Sicko!

There’s no FAVRE WATCH today, I’m sure you can understand why. I’m going to pass out now. Have a good one, hopefully I’ll be more alive tomorrow.

Monday News Roundup – You turn your back for a second…

Well after an impromptu day off yesterday, I came back late on Sunday to find a whole manner of activity going on in the Vikings World.

First off Artis Hicks has signed a 3 year deal with the Washington Redskins. Now as I understand it, Hicks was our top backup on the O-Line, but I don’t think he really had much of a chance playing starter for this team and is right to want away and give it a shot somewhere else. The downside of him leaving is that he is quite a versatile player, but on the plus side, as with Taylor leaving, we now have another Free Agent we can sign if one presents himself.

Obviously losing 2 free agents has caused a minor storm in the Vikings’ teacup but Zygi Wilf insists we didn’t lose CT or Hicks because we’re cutting back. He threw up a couple of reassuring sound-bites about the direction the team is going and it seems to bode well for the future. First off he addressed the losses of CT and Hicks:

“I work with my guys. When we want somebody, we go after them; that’s the way we’ve been doing it, and we’ll continue to do so when the time comes. When the opportunity arises and when the time comes, we will go out and get that person, but right now we’re really working on the draft.”

Pretty standard stuff here, but it is nice to know that we aren’t just spending money or using our Free Agency buys because we have them. There is no point signing anything that moves, especially when the team was so nearly complete last year. True, we need a couple of additions who have experience on the field, but with the strength we have already, we can afford to take our time, and not blow vast sums of money like the Bores are doing right now.

On the stadium situation, Zygi said:

“I think there’s a lot of enthusiasm for our team, and the importance that our team has for everybody in Minnesota makes it something that we have to deal with… I think everybody realizes that we need to get something done, not just for the football, for the Vikings, but we need to have a facility that can really attract all those events that the great cities of America are getting. We should be able to get the Final Four, we should get the Super Bowl, and we should get things like Indy is getting. Why shouldn’t we get them in Minnesota?”

Once again, this is what we expect him to be saying at this point, but it’s good to know that he is in touch with all the factors involved in the stadium campaign, and he is the right person to lead the way. He also expressed the need for an indoor stadium, hopefully he’ll have the budget to get a nice mechanical roof to cover the field…

Childress also spoke about the loss of CT. And so did Purple Jesus. Guess which one is more interesting? Also on PJD is a quick blast of the Bores and their idiotic free agency signings, Mark Craig disagrees saying the Bores are closing the gap, but I’m on the side of PJ, the Bores a gash, and big signings are not what they need to patch up the crock which is their entire team. What do you lot think? Are the Bores better, worse or just the same old pile of overpriced FAIL?

The Vikings v NFL trial begins today too. I’ve spoken about this before and I’m still of the opinion that the NFL need to win this precedent setting case. They are going to throw everything at the Williams’, who in my opinion are innocent, but somehow I think that 4 game suspension will finally catch up with them, the case is too important for the NFL to lose. But you never know, it is in a Minnesota court, and apparently Chilly could be brought  to the stand to impose his Beard of Justice upon the “pencil pushing” Roger Goodell.

And it is Chilly who leads today’s FAVRE WATCH. Apparently old Silver Beardpopped in to see the Silver Fox last week. They had punch and pie, and enjoyed a Hannah Montana marathon.

Soooo, I’m going to be cutting back on my posts over the next few weeks. A long overdue holiday to California beckons so I’ll be kicking back for a while to let the drama unfold without comment. I’m sure that by the time I return, Favre will have picked his nose in such a way to suggest he’s coming back, but will then scratch his arse which will be seen as a sign that he isn’t. So enjoy the next couple of weeks, but I will be posting intermittently, so do drop by.

SKOL!